Why listening and looking at someone do not always go hand in hand

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When eye contact becomes more important than the conversation

“Look at me when I’m talking to you.” “Why are you looking away?” “Look me in the eye – we’re having a conversation.” “Aren’t you interested in what I’m saying?” “How can you be listening when you keep looking somewhere else?” Many autistic people have heard these words since childhood: at home, at school, at work, in conversations with loved ones and sometimes even in professionals’ consulting rooms. They are usually spoken in the belief that eye contact is the primary sign of interest, attention, honesty and respect. If someone looks you in the eye, they are listening. If they look away, they must not be listening, must be hiding something or must be showing disrespect. The problem is that this is a social interpretation of behaviour, not a reliable measure of attention or engagement. For autistic people, the opposite may be true: looking someone in the eye can make listening harder, while looking away can help them concentrate, understand what is being said and formulate a response.

From an early age, we learn that there is a particular way to show interest in another person: turn towards them, maintain eye contact, nod, respond with facial expressions and sometimes smile at the appropriate moment. These behaviours form part of non-verbal communication and genuinely help many people interpret someone else’s intentions. That does not make them a universal language used in exactly the same way by everyone. Eye contact also depends on culture, circumstances, relationships, temperament, stress levels and personal preferences. Yet we often treat it as an obligation, and expect anyone who does not comply to explain themselves – especially when their behaviour falls outside social norms.

Looking someone in the eye can be another task for the brain

For some autistic people, direct eye contact is intense, uncomfortable and sometimes overwhelming. It is not always a matter of anxiety, shyness or lack of confidence. The difficulty may arise from how social and sensory information is processed, as well as the need to manage several aspects of communication at once. Another person’s face conveys an enormous number of signals: eye movements, changes in expression, muscle tension, small gestures and the direction of their gaze. Add their tone of voice, speaking pace, the meaning of their words, the context and the need to prepare a reply. If eye contact itself requires conscious effort, it can become one more demand on attention rather than something that helps the conversation.

Imagine trying to understand a complicated set of instructions while constantly checking whether you have looked at the speaker for long enough – but not too long. Did you look away too soon? Should you look at their nose, their eyes or their whole face? Does your expression look natural? Did they notice you looking at the floor for a moment? Your attention is now divided between what is actually being said and performing a socially expected behaviour. You may end up concentrating more on how your listening looks than on what you are hearing.

This is one of the paradoxes of enforced eye contact. The very behaviour meant to demonstrate concentration can undermine it. An autistic person starts looking at the speaker but stops fully processing their words. From the outside, they appear more engaged because they are meeting social expectations. In reality, they may understand less than when they were free to look away.

I look away so I can listen better

It is worth distinguishing between two things: the direction of someone’s gaze and the direction of their attention. They are not the same. A person may look directly at the speaker while thinking about something entirely different. Equally, they may look out of the window, at their hands or at a patch of wall while carefully considering every word they hear. Where the eyes are pointing does not give us access to the cognitive processes taking place in the brain.

For some autistic people, reducing visual input helps lessen the demands of conversation. When they do not have to analyse another person’s face, it can be easier to focus on language, meaning and their own thoughts. The same may apply when recalling information, solving problems or putting together a more complex response. Looking away can help organise their thoughts. It is not a sign of disinterest but a way of managing attention.

Of course, this does not mean that every autistic person avoids eye contact. Some maintain it without much difficulty; others have learnt to regulate it consciously; still others may stare intensely without always recognising when the other person feels the gaze has lasted too long. Some find eye contact comfortable with someone close to them but difficult with a manager, doctor or stranger. Autism does not produce one identical pattern of behaviour. It is just as mistaken to believe that all autistic people avoid eye contact as it is to claim that someone who makes eye contact cannot be autistic.

“But you can do it when you want to” – the hidden cost of masking

Many autistic people spend years learning to make eye contact because those around them make it clear that it is expected. A child is told to look at the teacher to show they are paying attention. A teenager learns that looking away is taken as insecurity or disrespect. An adult tries to maintain eye contact at a job interview for fear of being judged incompetent, dishonest or uninterested in the role. Over time, they may develop an entire set of strategies: looking between the eyebrows, focusing on the nose, counting seconds, deliberately looking away and then making eye contact again.

From the outside, this may look entirely natural. What nobody sees is the effort involved: the conscious control of facial expressions, the analysis of the other person’s reactions and the tension caused by fear of making a social mistake. This is one aspect of autistic masking – adapting one’s behaviour to other people’s expectations, often at the expense of comfort and cognitive resources. Someone who can maintain eye contact does not necessarily do so automatically or effortlessly. Having a particular skill tells us nothing about the cost of using it.

That is why the argument “you looked me in the eye yesterday, so you can do it today” overlooks something important: people’s capacities are not constant. Overload, tiredness, stress and available resources all affect how much effort a behaviour requires. On a calm day, an autistic person may manage eye contact for part of a conversation without much difficulty. After hours of work, intense social interaction or a sleepless night, the same effort may be too much. It does not mean they have suddenly stopped respecting the speaker. It means their nervous system has different resources available.

When eye contact becomes a test of respect

One of the most troubling aspects of treating eye contact as a social duty is the moral meaning attached to it. You do not look, so you are lying. You do not look, so you are hiding something. You do not look, so you are disrespectful. You do not look, so you do not care about the conversation. These interpretations can be especially hurtful because they judge a person’s intentions on the basis of behaviour that may have entirely different causes.

Respect is not a movement of the eyeballs. You can look someone straight in the eye while dismissing their words, ignoring their boundaries, interrupting them or manipulating the conversation. You can also avoid direct eye contact while listening carefully, remembering details, asking relevant questions and taking a genuine interest in the other person. Equating eye contact with honesty, empathy or engagement is therefore a considerable oversimplification.

This becomes particularly difficult in relationships where power is unequal. When a teacher insists that a child look them in the eye, a manager interprets looking away as unprofessional, or a parent sees it as disobedience, an autistic person may have no opportunity to explain how they function. They face a choice: comply at the expense of concentration and comfort, or risk a negative judgement. Either way, the actual substance of the conversation is pushed into the background.

It is also worth remembering that discomfort with eye contact is not exclusive to autism. It can occur with social anxiety, traumatic experiences, overload, fatigue or simply as an individual preference. Expectations about gaze also differ across cultures. That is another reason not to treat eye contact as a universal test of honesty or respect.

The child who listens while looking out of the window

Imagine a pupil sitting in class. The teacher is explaining something new while the child looks towards the window, turns a pen in their fingers or draws little patterns in the margin of a notebook. The teacher stops and says, “Concentrate. Look at me.” The child turns, sits up straight and looks at the teacher. From the adult’s perspective, the problem is solved: the pupil is finally paying attention. Yet the child may have been listening closely before, with the view through the window helping to reduce sensory input or regulate tension. Now they also have to monitor their behaviour and may have fewer resources left to understand the lesson.

Of course, looking away does not prove that a child is listening. The point is that it does not prove the opposite either. Rather than automatically correcting where a pupil looks, it is better to check whether they understand the information. Ask what they remember, invite them to complete a specific task, allow them to write down instructions or see whether they can apply what they have heard. These approaches tell us far more about genuine understanding than watching someone’s eyes.

The same applies at home. A child looking at a toy during a conversation is not necessarily ignoring their parent. A teenager looking away during a difficult discussion is not necessarily being disrespectful. An adult looking at notes during a work meeting is not necessarily mentally absent. Before judging the behaviour, consider what purpose it might serve. Perhaps it is not an obstacle to communication but the very thing that makes communication possible.

When misunderstanding goes both ways

It is also worth considering the perspective of someone for whom eye contact is a natural and important part of conversation. If they have learnt throughout their life that looking at someone shows interest, they may genuinely feel ignored when the other person looks elsewhere. That feeling does not have to come from ill will. It may reflect a different way of interpreting social signals.

The problem begins when we assume our own interpretation is the only correct one. A neurotypical person may interpret a lack of eye contact as indifference, while an autistic person may struggle to understand why their attentive listening is questioned simply because they were not looking at the speaker’s face. Both may feel that the other has failed to grasp something obvious. This illustrates a broader difficulty of mutual understanding between people with different communication styles, described in part by the double empathy problem.

The aim is not to declare one way of communicating better than another. It is to move away from the assumption that everyone must express attention and interest in exactly the same way. If one person needs eye contact to feel heard and the other needs to look away in order to listen, the answer need not be to force either of them to abandon their needs entirely. Sometimes it is enough to acknowledge the difference and find other ways of confirming attention.

How can we talk when eye contact does not help?

The most important step is to stop treating eye contact as a compulsory condition of conversation. This does not mean abandoning non-verbal communication or disregarding the other person’s needs. It means being more flexible about what attentive listening can look like. We can show that we are listening through words, questions, paraphrasing, taking notes, referring back to earlier agreements or simply saying, “I’m listening. It’s just easier for me to concentrate when I’m not looking directly into your eyes.”

Some people find it helpful to talk while walking, when both are looking ahead rather than at each other. Others are more comfortable sitting alongside someone instead of facing them. Sometimes conversation is easier during a calm activity that does not demand much mental effort. At work, written summaries, clear instructions and opportunities to ask questions without pressure to respond immediately can help. At school, the priority should be understanding the lesson, not how a pupil looks at the teacher.

What can you say when someone expects eye contact?

It is not always easy to explain why we do not look someone in the eye, especially when we are already overwhelmed, the subject is difficult or our behaviour is being interpreted as disrespectful. Short phrases prepared in advance can help in these situations. They need not mention a diagnosis or offer a detailed explanation. Their purpose is to show that the direction of our gaze does not necessarily reflect how engaged we are.

In everyday conversation, you might say:

“I’m listening, even if I’m not looking you in the eye.”, “I find it easier to focus on your words when I look somewhere else.” or “Looking away doesn’t mean I’m not interested in what you’re saying.”.

If the other person needs reassurance that they have been understood, you could suggest:

“I can repeat what you said so you know I was listening.”.

At work, at school or during a medical appointment, more matter-of-fact phrases may help:

“I often look at my notes while listening because it helps me process information.”, “I understand instructions best when I can focus on their content rather than maintaining eye contact.” or “Please don’t interpret where I look as a lack of attention. I’m concentrating on our conversation.”.

Sometimes, however, the other person does not accept the explanation and continues to insist: “Look at me when I’m talking.” Remember that you can set a boundary without aggression and without having to justify yourself. You might say:

“I understand that eye contact matters to you, but it can be difficult for me.”, “I don’t mean to dismiss you. I simply need a different way of having this conversation.” or “Please let me listen in a way that feels comfortable for me.”.

Just as important are the words that parents, teachers, partners and others can use when speaking with an autistic person. Instead of “Look at me when I’m talking”, they could ask:

“Can you hear me?”, “Does what I’ve said make sense?” or “Would you prefer me to explain it differently?”.

Instead of assuming a lack of interest, they could say:

“I don’t need you to look me in the eye. I just want to know that we understand each other.”.

The point is not to learn another set of social scripts that must be delivered perfectly. It is to have a few simple words available when others misinterpret our behaviour. Sometimes one calm sentence is enough to shift the conversation away from where we are looking and back to what we actually want to say to each other.

Because we do not have to prove our attentiveness with our gaze. We can show it in many other ways.

It is equally important not to turn explaining our needs into yet another obligation. An autistic person should not have to give a detailed justification every time they do not look someone in the eye. They will not always have the energy, and sometimes they may not be able to explain precisely why it happens. We can simply accept that people regulate attention differently and that not every difference needs to be corrected immediately.

I do not have to look at you to be present in our conversation

For years, many autistic people have been told that they must learn to make eye contact or they will never function properly in society. Far less often has anyone asked whether society could learn to recognise attention and interest when they are expressed differently. Communication, after all, is not solely about one person adapting to another. It is a process in which both people try to understand not only the words spoken but also how the other person experiences and navigates the world.

Not every instance of looking away means someone is listening attentively, just as not every instance of eye contact signals interest. That is precisely why we should stop drawing sweeping conclusions from a single behaviour. What matters much more is whether someone understands our words, responds to their meaning, remembers important information and can join us in a conversation that does not require one person to keep crossing their own boundaries.

So perhaps instead of saying, “You’re not looking me in the eye, so you’re not listening”, we could ask, “Is this a comfortable way for you to talk?” Instead of demanding eye contact, we could check whether our message was understood. Instead of treating looking away as disrespect, we could consider that it may be a way to maintain concentration.

Because listening does not happen through our eyes. A glance can be part of a conversation, but it is not its only language. And respect is not about forcing another person to look at us in a particular way. It is also about recognising that they can listen, understand and take us seriously even when their gaze wanders elsewhere.

I do not have to look you in the eye to truly hear what you are saying.

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